These Look Like My Home Improvement Projects

SoI thought I would share a video with you of what looks like my home improvement projects!

Folding the Perfect T-Shirt?

 

Folding!

Folding is the bane of my existence.  Every time I fold something it never looks the same twice.  I even had a very good friend of mine in retail show me and it just didn’t quite work out the same for me.  So i watched Martha on her show open day tell me how to fold a t-shirt. Oh my God!  Pinch this and flip that and turn it around and I got all confused!  My t-shirt did not look like Martha’s!

So I was fishing around today.  Instead of cleaning out that closet and I found this YouTube video of Martha showing  a boy how to fold his t-shirt.  The good news is that he had a hard time to and needed lots of  Martha’s help.  The bad news is I still don’t have a clue how to fold one.

Ribbon Organizer?

The Ribbon Organizer

It’s Sunday.  I don’t really like Sundays.  They are so boring.  I am going stir crazy in the house, but it’s so freaking cold that I don’t want to go out.  Looking for a project.  I should really straighten out that closet.  Ugh!  I have this closet where everything that I don’t know what to do with goes.  Last night I opened it to put a Chia plant that someone gave me in there and the whole thing exploded on me.  I mean I just touched the door and it sprung open like s printer goes out of the block in a 100 meter dash.  I got knocked over by all for the crap that I have in there and then it was all over the floor!  No room for the ch- ch- chia.

So, I need to organize, but the thought of doing that closet is making me nervous.  I keep sitting here on the couch reading the paper looking at all that crap on the flood and thinking I should go organize everything and then I see an interesting article about macroeconomics that gives me an excuse to stop looking at the pile of crap!

OK.  Let’s see what Martha has as the craft of the day.  A ribbon organizer.  What a good idea!  Even I could do that and then I would not have ribbon all over the place.  

Making the Ribbon Organizer

Use a shoebox.  I am sure that I have that in that pile of crap.  Use a utility knife to make grommets.  Oh, I don’t have those.  But it says I can make slits instead.  Cool.  Ok. Make a 1/4 inch hole on either end of box, place the ribbon spools inside then a 1/4 inch dowel.  Oh, I don’t have a dowel.  I’ll use some of those wire hangers that I have in that pile of mierda when I replaced them with wooden and satin ones that Martha said I needed.  Ok. Slide 1/4 inch dowel through one end, through spools and the other and  then thumbtack the dowel on each end to keep from “shimmying” into box.

OK.  I can do that.  Looking for a shoebox in this crap. Ok. Done.  Making slits with kitchen knife.  Not as easy as it seems.  Well, the slit goes all the way across the box because the cardboard was too weak to have 5 separate ones.  Ok, I just need ribbon.  

Oh crap.  I don’t have any. <calling neighbor>  Oh great she’s bringing it over.  I told her I need it for a surprise.

Ok, now I am cutting the wire hangers with lovey’s hacksaw.  That went well!  Making holes in end of box.  Ok, they look a little ratty, but they’ll do.  Insert hanger through holes and run ribbon spools through them.  Using lovey’s needle nosed pliers to bend one end of wire hanger up on on end of box and down on the other end.  Cool!  Doesn’t look too shabby.

Now I just put the ribbon through the slits.  Done  Oh my God!  I did it!

The only thing is, the the ribbons are the neighbors….not mine.

Postscript

Ok, so I decided to call the neighbor over for coffee and she said she would bring coffee over.  Maybe she doesn’t like my coffee.  I usually warm up the left over Starbucks that I get during the week because I don’t own a coffee pot.  I just throw it in a container every night when I get home.  Trying not to be wasteful. Who doesn’t like Mocha?

Anywho, I thought I would give the Martha Stewart Ribbon Organizer to her since they were her ribbons anyway and I really don’t ever use ribbons.  I even printed out Martha’s logo and pasted it in the box with my new glue stick.

She saw it on the table and didn’t say anything! So I said that I made her that ribbon organizer so she would have organized ribbon.  She seemed surprised and said that she usually just keeps it in the box that she brought over and she was afraid that the kids would get hold of the ribbon hanging out of the box, but thank you very much. Ingrate.

Now that she’s gone and I still have that mess on the floor, except now I don’t have a shoe box for my shoes.  I have made progress though.  I got rid of a wire hanger.  Only 500 left to go.

Should I clean this up?  Nah, let’s see what else is going on with Martha.  Oh look, a doily pillow!  I bet I could do that………

Remember the Luminarias!!!!

 

Baby Showers!  Ugh!

Baby showers are horrible.  You get a bunch of clucking women together blathering on about their kids and ugh!  Then there is the “How far along are you?” from every woman.  The rubbing of the tummy.  The expectant mother complaining that she has to pee so often and that her breasts are big and I won’t even talk about when she shows her stretch marks and asks you to rub cocoa butter on them.  Worst of all is when they show you that disgusting black line…..ewwwwwww!  

Anywho, I was invited to a baby shower for  a friend.  It’s her first little wiglet.  I am not super close to her, but some of her friends called to ask me if I would be a co-hostess.  I said sure!  What else am I going to say?  If I said no, they would tell her and she would be all hurt and the pregnancy emotions would kick in and oh that is way too much drama for me.

So they told me to figure out how I wanted to contribute.  I said I could have it at my house. Oh!  You  think I had slapped them or something.  “No, really, thank you but we’re having it at a restaurant.”   I didn’t care.  You know, whatever, I just thought it would be more personal than a restaurant.  

So I decided to look at Martha’s stuff to see how I could contribute.  I was hesitant to do any crafting because I haven’t had much luck  with that lately.  My fingers and elbows are still recovering from when I glued them together trying to make the string bangle and I am still paying off my credit card for that expensive bird that I needed for the photo for Martha’s handmade pet toy contest.

Hmmm.  Food, no the restaurant will do that and I am a crappy cook anyway and I would never cook for 75 girls. Horrors!  Oh, there it is!  That’s what I want to do!  A baby shower by mail! LOL!  

Well, they just called. I am in charge of games!!!!!!!!!  Oh that’s not the worst.  They want me to run the toilet paper game?  I started laughing, thinking they were kidding, but they were dead serious.  OMG!   And then it was even worse, they asked me for a check for $2,500 as a down payment for the shower.  What?   The shower is costing $5,000 each for the restaurant alone because they decided to buy lunch for everyone and drinks.   Yikes!!  I don’t think I can afford to be this woman’s friend.

I don’t want to just do those stupid games though. Oh, that’s it.  I am going to do luminarias!!!  Mood lighting for the restaurant.  perfect!

Luminarias

Wedding Luminaria

Well, of course I waited until an hour before the shower to make these freaking luinimarias, but I refuse to be remembered as the one who did the toilet paper game at this shower!  They will remember my 200 Luminarias forever because I’m lighting up that room like a stadium at night.  The mommy to be will have to wear shades!!!

I better hurry!  I haven’t done my hair and only one leg is shaved.  OK, I have the 200 paper lunch bags, although they are not real light.  They are supposed to be light.  Whatever. I went to 5 stores and there are no light lunch bags.  I have the ruler, no scalloped rotary cutter, gold doilies but I only have white because I couldn’t find gold doilies this morning, scissors, glue stick, well I have Elmer’s and crazy glue, votives and a lighter.  Ok.  I’m good.

Lay the bags flat.  Geez, laying out 200 lunch bags takes time!  Use a ruler to cut a new top edge an inch below the bag’s original edge.  I don’t have time to do that for 200 bags!  

Cut doilies to fit bag by laying flat bag on surface.  Doh!  I get that.  Lay doily on bag <snicker> and determine where to   cut in a pleasing design?  That isn’t much direction Martha.  Then I am supposed to cut along straight lines and then curved lines and oh blah, blah, blah….  I am just going to whack away because I have 200 to do in 15 minutes.<whack, whack,whack>

Ok, now I’m using the crazy glue to attach the doilies, but I am wearing gloves this time because I still don’t have fingerprints from the last time that I used crazy glue.  Wow!!  That was fast, although I did glue some pieces of glove on almost all of them.  Good thing I had a few hundred pairs of those gloves!

Postscript

Well, there is good news and bad.  The good news is that the luminarias were a real hit.  At first it was pretty dark.  Now I know why Martha said to cut them down. So I just rolled them down like you roll up jeans.  Well, that kind of made the doilies abstract looking, but that was ok because I saw that I didn’t really cut them very well once the candles were in them and the pieces of rubber glove blocked the light.

When I rolled them down, they were really more like 200 candles than luminarias, but I liked telling people that they were luminarias because no one really knows what that means and it sounds really important and they are too afraid to look stupid so they don’t ask what they are, but they just open their eyes and say how greta they are while they try to figure out what they are! There were so many it made it a little warm in there.  We all stripped down to the bare minimum and it was bright!

The toilet paper game went ok.  Until this one girl collected the toilet paper from 75 girls and stupidly put all of that toilet paper too close to the luminarias.  Someone opened a window because it was a little stuffy from the heat of all those candles (our cheeks were so red we all looked like we were going to have strokes!) that the flame blew over on the luminarias and everything caught fire.  At first the sprinkler system didn’t turn on, so when some of that plastic decoration stuff  on the walss of the reastaurant blew, it really blew!!  One girl got a piece of hot plastic in her hair and it went right through I’m telling you.  She’ll need a comb over for weeks!

 Anywho, for a few minutes, it sounded like the 1812 overture.  Then finally the sprinklers came on and sadly, all the presents were ruined.

The total bill cost me $17,500 because they “underestimated” catering costs and the fire damage was unexpected. They sat around and did nothing and I was the one who had to do these ridiculous games like the toilet paper game.  

But they will never forget my luminarias!!!!  Neither will I!

 

Alpha inventions

This is something that Martha would absolutely love.  It allows those who author blogs to connect with those who read them instantly!  Each time a blog author updates their blog, Alpha Inventions picks up the recent post so that the readers of Alpha inventions can connect with the author more immediately.  Please check them out an http://alphainventions.com. Please check them out.

As Martha would say, “It’s a good thing.”

Martha’s Creepy Wreath

OK, I am supposed to make my own hand soap, but Martha likes this old wreath?   Ewwww.  It’s called a “Musty Wreath Relic.”  It looks like a relic too. Gross.  I’m just sayin’.

Oh, my neighbor just told me it’s for Halloween.  Got it.  Anywho, it’s made of “reindeer moss.”  Where in the hell do you get that?  Martha also says to get the spiders at “Halloween stores.”   Where does she leave that she has a whole store devoted to Halloween?

Whatever….

How I flunked Martha’s Hostess Quiz

The Hostess with the Mostest

Martha likes quizzes.  I think it is too subtly direct you to how you should be rather than who you are.  To point you to a higher domestic path.  To boldly go beyong and domestic disaster that you have had in the past and crap like that.

I took the &quot;What Kind of hostess are you? quiz today. I had a feeling that before I even started I was going to end up the class dunce just by the ay it was phrased.  “Are you known for your attention to detail and lavish spreads (lavish?), or are casuallast minute gatherings more your style?”  

Well, Martha dear, when I am planning a social activity I have a proclivity for planning each one two years in advance and carefully placing each hand made invitation with a hand made stamp in an actual  hand made postal receptacle.  Not!  

I digress.  Anywho.  The point of the quiz is that I am supposed to find out if I an a “high-end”   hostess or “better suited to host more casual affairs.”  Uh oh.  I can picture her wrinkling her nose and looking like she smells a bad smell when she would say :better suited to more casual affairs.&quot;  That is apparently not a good thing to Ms. Martha.

When planning a dinner party, you invite guests:

1. A month in advance, 6 months ahead for a holiday
2. At least one week before the party
3. The afternoon of the  party

There was  no option for 5 minutes after you order the pizza and you invite the neighbor to come and bring beer.

Your guest bedroom includes:

1. Fine bed linens in seasonal colors, a sitting area with a small library, a basket of freshly baked muffins and scones, a desk stocked with stationary, a list of local attractions, and a telephone directory, as well as an adjacent bathroom stocked with beauty products, cosmetics, a robe, slippers, and plush towels.  (I know I am supposed to check this one, but I want that for my self!)
2. Simple wall art and bedding in calm colors, a bedside water pitcher, reading materials, an extra toothbrush, and a single flower in a bud vase.  
3. What guest bedroom?  Guests are always invited to stay, and can grab a spot on the couch or air mattress; there are plenty of extra pillows and blankets.

How about I want some privacy and the Marriott is down the street?

When a guest offers to bring something to your home:

1. Let them know you have everything under control, and a carefully planned and complete menu — they need only bring themselves and their appetites!
2. Tell them you’ve prepared the meal but have planned for a light dessert, inviting them to bring their favorite treats to share.
3. Invite them to bring their favorite beverage and arrive early so they can choose extras from the take-out menu.

Or ask them to stop by the Chicken Shack and bring a bucket over with some of those good potatoes and I’ll supply the wine.

When guests are at your home for a weekend, they can expect:

1. A full itinerary of events, ranging from hikes to sampling local artisans’ wares.  The invite would include a list of clothing and equipment to pack (ROFL!!!!!!!!!!  At 8:00-8:15 a.m. breakfast, 8:15-8:45 a.m. shower, 8:45 a.m. martini, 8:46 a.m. look at guest and smile and say whatcha wanna do today)
2. Suggestions for casual activities such as walks, movies, and visits to local markets.  (Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.)
3. A fully stocked refrigerator, bar, magazine rack, and media center that they can help themselves to and borrow from.

Or my way, a note not to disturb you until noon, a remote for the TV and keys for the car if they want to get a McMuffin.

When expecting guests, you place the following near the bathroom sink for guest to dry their hands:

1. Hand embroidered lines in seasonalcolors and patters; these are placed next to the homemade hand cream. (Home made hand cream!  I need to make my own hand cream?)
2. A sodt hand towel
3. Nothing, guests are free to use the towels on the towel rack, or help themselves to a new one from the linen closet (Towel rack? Linen closet?)

Uh, then you could also just be green and let them air dry their hands.

After a dinner party you’ve hosted, you do the following with the leftovers:

1. Package them in parchment-lined boxes or food service containers, tie with a bow, affix a tag with reheating instructions, and present to each guest as they leave your home (Do you have to make your own parchment?)
2. Offer them to your guests, along with extra containers so they may help themselves
3. If there are any leftovers, everyone is invited back for lunch the next day!

Well, none of those really.  Give it to the cat or your housekeeper.

When expecting guests for a specialoccasion, your exterior lighting:

1. Includes handmade seasonal luminarias lining the porch and driveway (luminwhatatatas?)
2. Includes aporch light and lampost inthe yard; you’ve been outside already to ensure that the light is sufficient for your company
3. Includes the street lamps and moonlight

Usually putting a flashlight under our chins and making ghouly faces at each other with the glow of the charcoal from the BBQ.

OK.  So that’s how I flunked.  I don’t make my own hand soapand I don’t make parchment to put leftovers in(wouldn’t that be weird with spaghetti?) and I don’t have a library for guests, and now I know I should.

But I do have fun…. : )

Strings, Lots of Strings

 

String Bracelets – 9:00 a.m.

 I want to do a small project today to make myself feel better.  It’s always so hard after the holidays.  All that warmth and good cheer is all gone and everyone is back to the same old crabasses we always were.  Let’s see.  How about some Textured String Bracelets?  That looks easy. “Use leftover string from craft projects to make textured bracelets.”  I don’t have any leftover string.  Hmmm. I have some old yarn.  Not too crazy about mauve.  Why do I have mauve yearn?  Whatever.  If I like it I can make it in another color and I can give the  mauve one away.  
 
 “Purchase plastic bangles from a jewelry or crafts store.”  Well, that’s not happening because it’s been snowing all night and I’m not going out.  I’ll use this gold one my mom gave me.  Does it make a difference that it’s gold?

 “Using craft glue, attach 1 inch of the tail end of the string to the inside of the bangle.”  I don’t have any craft glue so I need to ask my lovey what kind of glue to use with metal.  <asking>  Ok, I can use crazy glue.

 Applying crazy glue to bracelet and attaching tail of string to inside of bracelet.<phone ringing>  <Hello.  (Great!  A Salesperson!) Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Uh huh. No I have enough exercise videos that I don’t use now.  Nope, really. No thanks.>  Oh crap, I dripped in on the table!  <wiping off with hand>  <I gotta go because I’m in the middle of something,ok>  <Hanging up>.

Oh crap, I forgot and put my finger on the tail with the glue.  Geez that glue gets dry so fast!!  I can’t get my finger off the bracelet. Oh shit, now my other fingers are stuck to the bracelet because I was trying to pull it off and I forgot that I wiped the glue off the table.  I can’t move my elbow off the table!!!!  I’m all sticky and I can’t move!!!!!! 

Help!!!!!

Help!!!!!!!!

Heeeeeellllllllllllllpppppppppp!!!!!

Postscript 1:00 a.m. (or 16 hours later)

I never did get to make that bracelet, but a lady at the hospital felt so bad for me that she gave me two really pretty ones.  I couldn’t put them on because my fingers were stuck to the bracelet.  The doctor said it will take about 6 months to have fingerprints again.  Ugh and it will take a while to grow skin back on my elbow.

Napkin Folding is a Lot of Work!

 

Four Feathers

It’s Monday and I’m not feeling well.  I wasn’t up to making my own heating pad, so I decided to practice napkin folding. I usually use what ever is close.  Paper towels or Kleenex.  Once we were on a picnic and eating ribs and I forgot the paper towels so I used some toilet paper.  It worked and folding was not an issue.

Anyway, so I thought the picture was fun and it would look great the next time that the neighbors come over.  I find this place that makes quiche so I want to look all fancy.  Martha says that before you can make the “feather points,” you have to make “preparation folds.”  

I actually don’t have any napkins  so I cut up the Christmas tree cloth because the less Christmas crap I have to put away the better and the cat yakked on it the other day and when I washed it – well – it just doesn’t look the same.  Instead of being red it’s hot pink and it doesn’t lay flat anymore.  OK, it looks more like ribbon candy.

Four Feather Napkin Folding

1. Iron hot pink gribbly Christmas skirt flat 
2. Ok, iron another portion of the hot pink gribbly Christmas skirt flat with less heat so it doesn’t melt this time
3. Call Furniture Medic and see how to get melted hot pink gribbly Christmas skirt off of table without ruining the laminate finish
4. Scrape gribbled fabric off of laminate (I can’t believe it still looks gribbly even though it melted!)
5. Iron another portion of gribbled hot pink Christmas skirt (on much lower heat!)
6. That’s better!  Oh no!  It’s gribbling again!

Do over

1. Cut thick garbage bag into squares for folding so I don’t have to iron anything
2. Fold diagonally
3. Repeat on opposite diagonal
4. unfold (where are we going here, I keep doing the same thiing and then redoing it!)
5. Flip napkin (garbage bag square)
6. Fold it in half to make rectangle
7. Unfold (again!)
8. Fold the opposite way. (Getting confused -too much folding and unfolding and flipping and folding)
9. And unfold!  

Ok now I am supposed to have 4 creases  and I really have a droopy looking 1/2 crapped up-looking garbage bag that looks like it needs Viagra.  Now I am supposed to hold it against the wall to make the feather points, but I am already frustrated and bored and I think we’ll just have pizza and beer the next time they come over and I don’t need these napkins for that anyway.

<doorbell>  Oh thank God Furniture Medic is here…..

I’m Sick. Do I Really Have to Make My Own Heating Pad?

I’m sick today and not just because it’s Monday.  I mean for real.  I am so cold and I’m watching Martha and she says that I need to make my own heating pad.  

But I need dried cherry pits.  Where the h–l am I going to get those?  Ok, she said that I can get them from a farm in Michigan.  A farm in Michigan? That’s only like a 1,000 miles away.    Martha also recommended dry buckwheat hulls. Oh yeah, that makes it much easier because I have a ton of those hanging around the house.  Not!  I don’t have a clue where to get those and I doubt Walgreen’s has them.

I also need a sewing machine that I don’t have and don’t know how to use.  She claims that she has these dried cherry pit and dried buckwheat hull sacs on every bed and that she likes to sleep with them.  Sure.  What about if they get bug infested?

Do people really make their own heating pads from cherry pits and dried buckwheat hulls? I can just see that thing sitting around and if it gets wet, dripping some gross substance all over my white leather sofa.  Ewww.   What if the cat pees on it like the neighbors cat peed on the draft  dodger she said we should make from cat litter?

 Oh, screw that.  <calling  local drugstore to have a heating pad delivered that will not bring vermin and pestilence in my home>