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String Bracelets – 9:00 a.m.

 I want to do a small project today to make myself feel better.  It’s always so hard after the holidays.  All that warmth and good cheer is all gone and everyone is back to the same old crabasses we always were.  Let’s see.  How about some Textured String Bracelets?  That looks easy. “Use leftover string from craft projects to make textured bracelets.”  I don’t have any leftover string.  Hmmm. I have some old yarn.  Not too crazy about mauve.  Why do I have mauve yearn?  Whatever.  If I like it I can make it in another color and I can give the  mauve one away.  
 
 “Purchase plastic bangles from a jewelry or crafts store.”  Well, that’s not happening because it’s been snowing all night and I’m not going out.  I’ll use this gold one my mom gave me.  Does it make a difference that it’s gold?

 “Using craft glue, attach 1 inch of the tail end of the string to the inside of the bangle.”  I don’t have any craft glue so I need to ask my lovey what kind of glue to use with metal.  <asking>  Ok, I can use crazy glue.

 Applying crazy glue to bracelet and attaching tail of string to inside of bracelet.<phone ringing>  <Hello.  (Great!  A Salesperson!) Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Uh huh. No I have enough exercise videos that I don’t use now.  Nope, really. No thanks.>  Oh crap, I dripped in on the table!  <wiping off with hand>  <I gotta go because I’m in the middle of something,ok>  <Hanging up>.

Oh crap, I forgot and put my finger on the tail with the glue.  Geez that glue gets dry so fast!!  I can’t get my finger off the bracelet. Oh shit, now my other fingers are stuck to the bracelet because I was trying to pull it off and I forgot that I wiped the glue off the table.  I can’t move my elbow off the table!!!!  I’m all sticky and I can’t move!!!!!! 

Help!!!!!

Help!!!!!!!!

Heeeeeellllllllllllllpppppppppp!!!!!

Postscript 1:00 a.m. (or 16 hours later)

I never did get to make that bracelet, but a lady at the hospital felt so bad for me that she gave me two really pretty ones.  I couldn’t put them on because my fingers were stuck to the bracelet.  The doctor said it will take about 6 months to have fingerprints again.  Ugh and it will take a while to grow skin back on my elbow.

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Four Feathers

It’s Monday and I’m not feeling well.  I wasn’t up to making my own heating pad, so I decided to practice napkin folding. I usually use what ever is close.  Paper towels or Kleenex.  Once we were on a picnic and eating ribs and I forgot the paper towels so I used some toilet paper.  It worked and folding was not an issue.

Anyway, so I thought the picture was fun and it would look great the next time that the neighbors come over.  I find this place that makes quiche so I want to look all fancy.  Martha says that before you can make the “feather points,” you have to make “preparation folds.”  

I actually don’t have any napkins  so I cut up the Christmas tree cloth because the less Christmas crap I have to put away the better and the cat yakked on it the other day and when I washed it – well – it just doesn’t look the same.  Instead of being red it’s hot pink and it doesn’t lay flat anymore.  OK, it looks more like ribbon candy.

Four Feather Napkin Folding

  1. Iron hot pink gribbly Christmas skirt flat 
  2. Ok, iron another portion of the hot pink gribbly Christmas skirt flat with less heat so it doesn’t melt this time
  3. Call Furniture Medic and see how to get melted hot pink gribbly Christmas skirt off of table without ruining the laminate finish
  4. Scrape gribbled fabric off of laminate (I can’t believe it still looks gribbly even though it melted!)
  5. Iron another portion of gribbled hot pink Christmas skirt (on much lower heat!)
  6. That’s better!  Oh no!  It’s gribbling again!

Do over

  1. Cut thick garbage bag into squares for folding so I don’t have to iron anything
  2. Fold diagonally
  3. Repeat on opposite diagonal
  4. unfold (where are we going here, I keep doing the same thiing and then redoing it!)
  5. Flip napkin (garbage bag square)
  6. Fold it in half to make rectangle
  7. Unfold (again!)
  8. Fold the opposite way. (Getting confused -too much folding and unfolding and flipping and folding)
  9. And unfold!  

Ok now I am supposed to have 4 creases  and I really have a droopy looking 1/2 crapped up-looking garbage bag that looks like it needs Viagra.  Now I am supposed to hold it against the wall to make the feather points, but I am already frustrated and bored and I think we’ll just have pizza and beer the next time they come over and I don’t need these napkins for that anyway.

<doorbell>  Oh thank God Furniture Medic is here…..

I’m sick today and not just because it’s Monday.  I mean for real.  I am so cold and I’m watching Martha and she says that I need to make my own heating pad.  

But I need dried cherry pits.  Where the h–l am I going to get those?  Ok, she said that I can get them from a farm in Michigan.  A farm in Michigan? That’s only like a 1,000 miles away.    Martha also recommended dry buckwheat hulls. Oh yeah, that makes it much easier because I have a ton of those hanging around the house.  Not!  I don’t have a clue where to get those and I doubt Walgreen’s has them.

I also need a sewing machine that I don’t have and don’t know how to use.  She claims that she has these dried cherry pit and dried buckwheat hull sacs on every bed and that she likes to sleep with them.  Sure.  What about if they get bug infested?

Do people really make their own heating pads from cherry pits and dried buckwheat hulls? I can just see that thing sitting around and if it gets wet, dripping some gross substance all over my white leather sofa.  Ewww.   What if the cat pees on it like the neighbors cat peed on the draft  dodger she said we should make from cat litter?

 Oh, screw that.  <calling  local drugstore to have a heating pad delivered that will not bring vermin and pestilence in my home>

Well, after checking the above video out, I feel better about all of my little foibles!  Enjoy!

 

http://aapf.org/focus/episodes/oct27.php

It’s Sunday so I was looking for a Martha project and I see that she has this 2 week Valentine’s Day Project.  2 weeks?!  You learn to make candy, gifts, cards and all kinds of other crap. Apparently you need to decorate too.  There is a “Cockscomb Valentine Wreath.”  That looks like a lot of work and it’s really hard to pronounce!

I didn’t know that I was supposed to decorate?   I haven’t even taken down the Christmas crap yet.  I am so tired from work last week. It’s Sunday and I don’t want to get out of my PJs.  I’ll put the Christmas crap away next week.  I feel pretty behind the times and  I don’t want my lovey to think that I don’t care so  I’ll try that C—-comb whatever wreath Valentine ball  next week.

Maybe we’re supposed to do something for President’s day or Martin Luther King Day before we decorate for Valentine’s Day? Like an “I have a dream floral table center piece” or an “I have a dream” love knot for your front door?  What about a George Washington cherry place card for President’s day dinner?  Well, not a real cherry, I could make it out of something.  

Martin Luther King Day Decorations  Project

I didn’t see anything on Martha’s website about Martin Luther King Day.  So, I’m going to out do Martha. I just have to think of something before my friend comes over for dinner and I only have an hour.

OK, I decided to do a nice little something for my corner table, my front door and ceiling decorations.  

Table Decoration

Although I have not taken my Christmas decorations down, I want to show my friend that I have already thought about decorating for Martin Luther King Day.  So I took out a plate and put the dark chocolate caramels that my sister gave me for Christmas in a circle around the outer edge.  Pretty!  In the middle I put this tiny little easel on it and a copy of the Supreme Court decision in Brown vs. Board of Education on it and with a candle.   Looks really good and professional!

Feeling pretty good about myself!

Door and Ceiling Decorations

I fixed the printer (the cat pulled the cord out of the back) and printed out a lot of nice photos of  Martin Luther King (see one above) and  cut them out in nice shapes like stars and and triangles and attached them to the Christmas lights that we have on the ceiling so that they are hanging  all over the living room and dining room.  I put one on the front door in the middle of the Christmas wreath.    

Postscript

Well, my friend came over and I even invited the neighbors over for dinner.  I just ordered ribs out with fries, corn and stuff.  They actually thought I made it!  ROFL!  If I had done that I wouldn’t have had time to work on the corner table Martin Luther King day piece or the door and ceiling decorations.

They didn’t know who was in the middle of my Christmas wreath so I told them that I was starting to decorate for Martin Luther King day.  They were impressed!  

They also liked my inside decorations, but my friend lost some dental work in the caramels.  I think they were getting a little hard. But we did have a little mishap.  I don’t know how it happened, but the candle flame must have drifted over and set the copy of Brown vs. Board of Education on fire.  I didn’t even notice because we were all watching TV, but when I went over to put the candle out I just saw my burnt up little easel.  I thought it smelled a little rustic in here.

The ceiling decorations didn’t go over so well either.  They curled up so you couldn’t see Martin’s face and my friend asked me why I had all that paper stuck up in the Christmas lights.  When I explained, she said it was a great idea, I just should have taped the Martin Luther King pictures to some cardboard so they wouldn’t curl.  She’s so crafty.

Oh well, the ribs were good!

Martha

The Perfect Pet Clothes
Disaster Perfect Pet Clothes

OK, I admit that I bought it at OfficialDogHouse.com.  See here.  But it’s still cute and with the time that I saved by not sewing it, even if I knew how to sew, I can watch Top Chef!  Oh, but I guess  that means I really should get a dog.  
Nah, looks good on the toy.

That’s a draft dodger?

OK, so before Martha I thought a draft dodger was a guy like the neighbor who went to Canada to avoid going to Vietnam.   Martha has a nifty little set of instructions for this one.  Even I think I can do this!  I could probably bat out 10 or 20 of these and give them out as gifts and then people would think I am so…like Martha!  All perfect and all that and feeling lucky to know me!

Instructions are here.  Let’s see, I have no tape measurer, no rotary cutter, no sewing pins, no sewing machine, no needle and thread, but I do have recycled newspaper cat litter.  Ugh!  She can’t mean recycled cat litter?  Let’s look at that again!  I don’t think so, that would smell too bad.  Oh!  Recycled newspaper cat litter. That I don’t have.  I’ll just make do.

Project “Adjustments”

Ok, so I use an old pair of pants for fabric and eyeball that across the length of the door.  Screw the template because my printer isn’t working.  I’ll just staple the ends and roll it like a hot dog and then staple the fabric together in the middle. How hard can that be?  I can use that clean, unused Fresh Step Kitty Litter that I have.  

Well, my finished draft dodger is a little lumpy and I don’t think you’re supposed to see staples, but if you put the staple side on the bottom, nobody knows.  Feeling pretty good about myself!  Except for all the cat litter all over the house.

Postscript:  The day After

I spilled water on my hand made draft dodger and it melted!! The Martha Stewart 800 number said I should not have used clay kitty litter.  Bummer.  I’ll just go buy a draft dodger at Sheets and Shit.

Second Postscript: The Day After That

My neighbor’s mad at me because her cat pissed on the draft dodger and now it’s just a melted mud mess on her new hardwood floors.  I can’t help it that she didn’t house train that darn cat better!

I’ll buy some wine and we’ll just get buzzed and forget about it!  Who needs a draft dodger anyway!  We’re modern, we have insulation now!