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table setting

The Hostess with the Mostest

Martha likes quizzes.  I think it is too subtly direct you to how you should be rather than who you are.  To point you to a higher domestic path.  To boldly go beyong and domestic disaster that you have had in the past and crap like that.

I took the "What Kind of hostess are you? quiz today. I had a feeling that before I even started I was going to end up the class dunce just by the ay it was phrased.  “Are you known for your attention to detail and lavish spreads (lavish?), or are casuallast minute gatherings more your style?”  

Well, Martha dear, when I am planning a social activity I have a proclivity for planning each one two years in advance and carefully placing each hand made invitation with a hand made stamp in an actual  hand made postal receptacle.  Not!  

I digress.  Anywho.  The point of the quiz is that I am supposed to find out if I an a “high-end”   hostess or “better suited to host more casual affairs.”  Uh oh.  I can picture her wrinkling her nose and looking like she smells a bad smell when she would say :better suited to more casual affairs."  That is apparently not a good thing to Ms. Martha.

When planning a dinner party, you invite guests:

  1. A month in advance, 6 months ahead for a holiday
  2. At least one week before the party
  3. The afternoon of the  party

There was  no option for 5 minutes after you order the pizza and you invite the neighbor to come and bring beer.

Your guest bedroom includes:

  1. Fine bed linens in seasonal colors, a sitting area with a small library, a basket of freshly baked muffins and scones, a desk stocked with stationary, a list of local attractions, and a telephone directory, as well as an adjacent bathroom stocked with beauty products, cosmetics, a robe, slippers, and plush towels.  (I know I am supposed to check this one, but I want that for my self!)
  2. Simple wall art and bedding in calm colors, a bedside water pitcher, reading materials, an extra toothbrush, and a single flower in a bud vase.  
  3. What guest bedroom?  Guests are always invited to stay, and can grab a spot on the couch or air mattress; there are plenty of extra pillows and blankets.

How about I want some privacy and the Marriott is down the street?

When a guest offers to bring something to your home:

  1. Let them know you have everything under control, and a carefully planned and complete menu — they need only bring themselves and their appetites!
  2. Tell them you’ve prepared the meal but have planned for a light dessert, inviting them to bring their favorite treats to share.
  3. Invite them to bring their favorite beverage and arrive early so they can choose extras from the take-out menu.

Or ask them to stop by the Chicken Shack and bring a bucket over with some of those good potatoes and I’ll supply the wine.

When guests are at your home for a weekend, they can expect:

  1. A full itinerary of events, ranging from hikes to sampling local artisans’ wares.  The invite would include a list of clothing and equipment to pack (ROFL!!!!!!!!!!  At 8:00-8:15 a.m. breakfast, 8:15-8:45 a.m. shower, 8:45 a.m. martini, 8:46 a.m. look at guest and smile and say whatcha wanna do today)
  2. Suggestions for casual activities such as walks, movies, and visits to local markets.  (Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.)
  3. A fully stocked refrigerator, bar, magazine rack, and media center that they can help themselves to and borrow from.

Or my way, a note not to disturb you until noon, a remote for the TV and keys for the car if they want to get a McMuffin.

When expecting guests, you place the following near the bathroom sink for guest to dry their hands:

  1. Hand embroidered lines in seasonalcolors and patters; these are placed next to the homemade hand cream. (Home made hand cream!  I need to make my own hand cream?)
  2. A sodt hand towel
  3. Nothing, guests are free to use the towels on the towel rack, or help themselves to a new one from the linen closet (Towel rack? Linen closet?)

Uh, then you could also just be green and let them air dry their hands.

After a dinner party you’ve hosted, you do the following with the leftovers:

  1. Package them in parchment-lined boxes or food service containers, tie with a bow, affix a tag with reheating instructions, and present to each guest as they leave your home (Do you have to make your own parchment?)
  2. Offer them to your guests, along with extra containers so they may help themselves
  3. If there are any leftovers, everyone is invited back for lunch the next day!

Well, none of those really.  Give it to the cat or your housekeeper.

When expecting guests for a specialoccasion, your exterior lighting:

  1. Includes handmade seasonal luminarias lining the porch and driveway (luminwhatatatas?)
  2. Includes aporch light and lampost inthe yard; you’ve been outside already to ensure that the light is sufficient for your company
  3. Includes the street lamps and moonlight

Usually putting a flashlight under our chins and making ghouly faces at each other with the glow of the charcoal from the BBQ.

OK.  So that’s how I flunked.  I don’t make my own hand soapand I don’t make parchment to put leftovers in(wouldn’t that be weird with spaghetti?) and I don’t have a library for guests, and now I know I should.

But I do have fun…. : )

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