Archive for the ‘Crafting’ Category


Baby Showers!  Ugh!

Baby showers are horrible.  You get a bunch of clucking women together blathering on about their kids and ugh!  Then there is the “How far along are you?” from every woman.  The rubbing of the tummy.  The expectant mother complaining that she has to pee so often and that her breasts are big and I won’t even talk about when she shows her stretch marks and asks you to rub cocoa butter on them.  Worst of all is when they show you that disgusting black line…..ewwwwwww!  

Anywho, I was invited to a baby shower for  a friend.  It’s her first little wiglet.  I am not super close to her, but some of her friends called to ask me if I would be a co-hostess.  I said sure!  What else am I going to say?  If I said no, they would tell her and she would be all hurt and the pregnancy emotions would kick in and oh that is way too much drama for me.

So they told me to figure out how I wanted to contribute.  I said I could have it at my house. Oh!  You  think I had slapped them or something.  “No, really, thank you but we’re having it at a restaurant.”   I didn’t care.  You know, whatever, I just thought it would be more personal than a restaurant.  

So I decided to look at Martha’s stuff to see how I could contribute.  I was hesitant to do any crafting because I haven’t had much luck  with that lately.  My fingers and elbows are still recovering from when I glued them together trying to make the string bangle and I am still paying off my credit card for that expensive bird that I needed for the photo for Martha’s handmade pet toy contest.

Hmmm.  Food, no the restaurant will do that and I am a crappy cook anyway and I would never cook for 75 girls. Horrors!  Oh, there it is!  That’s what I want to do!  A baby shower by mail! LOL!  

Well, they just called. I am in charge of games!!!!!!!!!  Oh that’s not the worst.  They want me to run the toilet paper game?  I started laughing, thinking they were kidding, but they were dead serious.  OMG!   And then it was even worse, they asked me for a check for $2,500 as a down payment for the shower.  What?   The shower is costing $5,000 each for the restaurant alone because they decided to buy lunch for everyone and drinks.   Yikes!!  I don’t think I can afford to be this woman’s friend.

I don’t want to just do those stupid games though. Oh, that’s it.  I am going to do luminarias!!!  Mood lighting for the restaurant.  perfect!

Wedding Luminaria

Well, of course I waited until an hour before the shower to make these freaking luinimarias, but I refuse to be remembered as the one who did the toilet paper game at this shower!  They will remember my 200 Luminarias forever because I’m lighting up that room like a stadium at night.  The mommy to be will have to wear shades!!!

I better hurry!  I haven’t done my hair and only one leg is shaved.  OK, I have the 200 paper lunch bags, although they are not real light.  They are supposed to be light.  Whatever. I went to 5 stores and there are no light lunch bags.  I have the ruler, no scalloped rotary cutter, gold doilies but I only have white because I couldn’t find gold doilies this morning, scissors, glue stick, well I have Elmer’s and crazy glue, votives and a lighter.  Ok.  I’m good.

Lay the bags flat.  Geez, laying out 200 lunch bags takes time!  Use a ruler to cut a new top edge an inch below the bag’s original edge.  I don’t have time to do that for 200 bags!  

Cut doilies to fit bag by laying flat bag on surface.  Doh!  I get that.  Lay doily on bag <snicker> and determine where to   cut in a pleasing design?  That isn’t much direction Martha.  Then I am supposed to cut along straight lines and then curved lines and oh blah, blah, blah….  I am just going to whack away because I have 200 to do in 15 minutes.<whack, whack,whack>

Ok, now I’m using the crazy glue to attach the doilies, but I am wearing gloves this time because I still don’t have fingerprints from the last time that I used crazy glue.  Wow!!  That was fast, although I did glue some pieces of glove on almost all of them.  Good thing I had a few hundred pairs of those gloves!

Well, there is good news and bad.  The good news is that the luminarias were a real hit.  At first it was pretty dark.  Now I know why Martha said to cut them down. So I just rolled them down like you roll up jeans.  Well, that kind of made the doilies abstract looking, but that was ok because I saw that I didn’t really cut them very well once the candles were in them and the pieces of rubber glove blocked the light.

When I rolled them down, they were really more like 200 candles than luminarias, but I liked telling people that they were luminarias because no one really knows what that means and it sounds really important and they are too afraid to look stupid so they don’t ask what they are, but they just open their eyes and say how greta they are while they try to figure out what they are! There were so many it made it a little warm in there.  We all stripped down to the bare minimum and it was bright!

The toilet paper game went ok.  Until this one girl collected the toilet paper from 75 girls and stupidly put all of that toilet paper too close to the luminarias.  Someone opened a window because it was a little stuffy from the heat of all those candles (our cheeks were so red we all looked like we were going to have strokes!) that the flame blew over on the luminarias and everything caught fire.  At first the sprinkler system didn’t turn on, so when some of that plastic decoration stuff  on the walss of the reastaurant blew, it really blew!!  One girl got a piece of hot plastic in her hair and it went right through I’m telling you.  She’ll need a comb over for weeks!
 Anywho, for a few minutes, it sounded like the 1812 overture.  Then finally the sprinklers came on and sadly, all the presents were ruined.

The total bill cost me $17,500 because they “underestimated” catering costs and the fire damage was unexpected. They sat around and did nothing and I was the one who had to do these ridiculous games like the toilet paper game.  

But they will never forget my luminarias!!!!  Neither will I!



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OK, I am supposed to make my own hand soap, but Martha likes this old wreath?   Ewwww.  It’s called a “Musty Wreath Relic.”  It looks like a relic too. Gross.  I’m just sayin’.

Oh, my neighbor just told me it’s for Halloween.  Got it.  Anywho, it’s made of “reindeer moss.”  Where in the hell do you get that?  Martha also says to get the spiders at “Halloween stores.”   Where does she leave that she has a whole store devoted to Halloween?


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String Bracelets – 9:00 a.m.

 I want to do a small project today to make myself feel better.  It’s always so hard after the holidays.  All that warmth and good cheer is all gone and everyone is back to the same old crabasses we always were.  Let’s see.  How about some Textured String Bracelets?  That looks easy. “Use leftover string from craft projects to make textured bracelets.”  I don’t have any leftover string.  Hmmm. I have some old yarn.  Not too crazy about mauve.  Why do I have mauve yearn?  Whatever.  If I like it I can make it in another color and I can give the  mauve one away.  
 “Purchase plastic bangles from a jewelry or crafts store.”  Well, that’s not happening because it’s been snowing all night and I’m not going out.  I’ll use this gold one my mom gave me.  Does it make a difference that it’s gold?

 “Using craft glue, attach 1 inch of the tail end of the string to the inside of the bangle.”  I don’t have any craft glue so I need to ask my lovey what kind of glue to use with metal.  <asking>  Ok, I can use crazy glue.

 Applying crazy glue to bracelet and attaching tail of string to inside of bracelet.<phone ringing>  <Hello.  (Great!  A Salesperson!) Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Uh huh. No I have enough exercise videos that I don’t use now.  Nope, really. No thanks.>  Oh crap, I dripped in on the table!  <wiping off with hand>  <I gotta go because I’m in the middle of something,ok>  <Hanging up>.

Oh crap, I forgot and put my finger on the tail with the glue.  Geez that glue gets dry so fast!!  I can’t get my finger off the bracelet. Oh shit, now my other fingers are stuck to the bracelet because I was trying to pull it off and I forgot that I wiped the glue off the table.  I can’t move my elbow off the table!!!!  I’m all sticky and I can’t move!!!!!! 




Postscript 1:00 a.m. (or 16 hours later)

I never did get to make that bracelet, but a lady at the hospital felt so bad for me that she gave me two really pretty ones.  I couldn’t put them on because my fingers were stuck to the bracelet.  The doctor said it will take about 6 months to have fingerprints again.  Ugh and it will take a while to grow skin back on my elbow.

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I’m sick today and not just because it’s Monday.  I mean for real.  I am so cold and I’m watching Martha and she says that I need to make my own heating pad.  

But I need dried cherry pits.  Where the h–l am I going to get those?  Ok, she said that I can get them from a farm in Michigan.  A farm in Michigan? That’s only like a 1,000 miles away.    Martha also recommended dry buckwheat hulls. Oh yeah, that makes it much easier because I have a ton of those hanging around the house.  Not!  I don’t have a clue where to get those and I doubt Walgreen’s has them.

I also need a sewing machine that I don’t have and don’t know how to use.  She claims that she has these dried cherry pit and dried buckwheat hull sacs on every bed and that she likes to sleep with them.  Sure.  What about if they get bug infested?

Do people really make their own heating pads from cherry pits and dried buckwheat hulls? I can just see that thing sitting around and if it gets wet, dripping some gross substance all over my white leather sofa.  Ewww.   What if the cat pees on it like the neighbors cat peed on the draft  dodger she said we should make from cat litter?

 Oh, screw that.  <calling  local drugstore to have a heating pad delivered that will not bring vermin and pestilence in my home>

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It’s Sunday so I was looking for a Martha project and I see that she has this 2 week Valentine’s Day Project.  2 weeks?!  You learn to make candy, gifts, cards and all kinds of other crap. Apparently you need to decorate too.  There is a “Cockscomb Valentine Wreath.”  That looks like a lot of work and it’s really hard to pronounce!

I didn’t know that I was supposed to decorate?   I haven’t even taken down the Christmas crap yet.  I am so tired from work last week. It’s Sunday and I don’t want to get out of my PJs.  I’ll put the Christmas crap away next week.  I feel pretty behind the times and  I don’t want my lovey to think that I don’t care so  I’ll try that C—-comb whatever wreath Valentine ball  next week.

Maybe we’re supposed to do something for President’s day or Martin Luther King Day before we decorate for Valentine’s Day? Like an “I have a dream floral table center piece” or an “I have a dream” love knot for your front door?  What about a George Washington cherry place card for President’s day dinner?  Well, not a real cherry, I could make it out of something.  

Martin Luther King Day Decorations  Project

I didn’t see anything on Martha’s website about Martin Luther King Day.  So, I’m going to out do Martha. I just have to think of something before my friend comes over for dinner and I only have an hour.

OK, I decided to do a nice little something for my corner table, my front door and ceiling decorations.  

Table Decoration

Although I have not taken my Christmas decorations down, I want to show my friend that I have already thought about decorating for Martin Luther King Day.  So I took out a plate and put the dark chocolate caramels that my sister gave me for Christmas in a circle around the outer edge.  Pretty!  In the middle I put this tiny little easel on it and a copy of the Supreme Court decision in Brown vs. Board of Education on it and with a candle.   Looks really good and professional!

Feeling pretty good about myself!

Door and Ceiling Decorations

I fixed the printer (the cat pulled the cord out of the back) and printed out a lot of nice photos of  Martin Luther King (see one above) and  cut them out in nice shapes like stars and and triangles and attached them to the Christmas lights that we have on the ceiling so that they are hanging  all over the living room and dining room.  I put one on the front door in the middle of the Christmas wreath.    


Well, my friend came over and I even invited the neighbors over for dinner.  I just ordered ribs out with fries, corn and stuff.  They actually thought I made it!  ROFL!  If I had done that I wouldn’t have had time to work on the corner table Martin Luther King day piece or the door and ceiling decorations.

They didn’t know who was in the middle of my Christmas wreath so I told them that I was starting to decorate for Martin Luther King day.  They were impressed!  

They also liked my inside decorations, but my friend lost some dental work in the caramels.  I think they were getting a little hard. But we did have a little mishap.  I don’t know how it happened, but the candle flame must have drifted over and set the copy of Brown vs. Board of Education on fire.  I didn’t even notice because we were all watching TV, but when I went over to put the candle out I just saw my burnt up little easel.  I thought it smelled a little rustic in here.

The ceiling decorations didn’t go over so well either.  They curled up so you couldn’t see Martin’s face and my friend asked me why I had all that paper stuck up in the Christmas lights.  When I explained, she said it was a great idea, I just should have taped the Martin Luther King pictures to some cardboard so they wouldn’t curl.  She’s so crafty.

Oh well, the ribs were good!

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Hand made pet toys anyone?

So have you heard? Martha’s having a contest so that everyone can show off their hand made pet toys? Deadline for submission of a photo to her website is January 12.   This is going to be so much fun!

I started on my project at about 8:00 a.m. this morning  and was very excited at the thought of sending my photo into Martha’s website.  I thought I would make about 5-10 projects and send a photo of the best one.


Plan A:      8:00-11:30 a.m.
Ok, I thought I would start with a cat toy, right? So I went to the pet store and bought some fresh catnip and one of those plastic balls with the holes in it so that they can smell the catnip. When I got home, I put the catnip in it and snapped it shut and got ready to take the picture of the cat with the ball and then I thought, no, I can’t do that! It’s too simple. Just then the cat started batting it around and the ball broke and the catnip went all over the living room.

Plan B:      12:00-4:00 p.m.
I thought I would make a dog bed, except I don’t sew. But I still wanted to make it so I thought I would just glue one together. So I went out and bought some cardboard and then I had to figure out where in the h-ll to get fabric because it’s not like I ever need any so where do I go. Once I got there I found this neat little Ralph Lauren-looking hunter green stuff.

I got home and had the box and the fabric and then realized that sitting in a hard cardboard box was not much of a “bed” so I went looking for some old clothes to put under the fabric. So, I took a few old t-shirts and stuffed them in the bottom of the box and by then I was feeling pretty darn proud of myself for being all crafty!

Next I took out my Elmer’s and glued the fabric to the box. Well, I don’t think that was the right glue because it  just kind of peeled off the box. So I just decided to staple it together and well, it has tons of creases that I did not anticipate and it is a little hard because the glue eventually did set and it made the fabric look a little white. and wrinkly.  The old t-shirts started to move too so there’s really nothing in the middle so there isn’t much of a bed. Oh h-ll, it’s a mess!

Plan C:      6:00-9:30 p.m.
I thought a seed ball for a bird would be easy because I could just coat a popsicle stick with the Elmer’s that I bought for the dog bed, but my neighbor laughed at me and just said why don’t I just go buy one. Well, because Martha wouldn’t buy a seed ball for her bird!

I had to go back to the pet store and buy seed since I don’t have a bird.   I admit I was just tempted to buy one of the damn things, but I went home.  Then I forgot that I don’t have a popsicle stick.  And because I don’t know where crafters get their stuff, I just went to the grocery store and bought some popsicles and ate 5-6 so that I could use the sticks.  Jeez, by then I had brain freeze and my mouth was bright orange!

Anywho, I dipped the popsicle sticks in the Elmers and then rolled them around in that darn seed.  I tried to shape them into some cute shape like a birdhouse but it wouldn’t set so they all just looked like corn dogs rolled in seed kind of dripping down the stick.  By the time that they were dry, they were totally flat on the back and my corn dog seed balls had stuck to the newspaper that they were laying on.  I tried to peel off the newspaper, but that didn’t work very well because it wouldn’t all come off and just kind of shredded.  Then I tried running a damp cloth over it.  I guess it wasn’t dry enough because the seeds started to come off and were rolling everywhere.

Plan D:      11:30-1:00 a.m.

I spray painted the last seed ball gold with the paper on it.  I realize that it’s not perfect, but its pretty darn close.  Now I just have to borrow a bird so that I can take a picture of it with my abstract seed ball.


Plan E:     10:00 a.m.-1:00 p.m.

Went back to the pet store.  Talked them into letting me photograph a bird with the seed ball, but the fumes from the gold spray paint were too much for the little guy so I had to buy him and take him to the vet.   Poor thing.  I didn’t know they made respirators that tiny!  I had to leave him there overnight for observation.  I’ll return him to the pet store tomorrow after I take a picture of him.

Day Three

Plan F:   10:00 a.m.-12:00 noon

I picked up the bird from the vet.  He’s fine.  Took him back to the pet store.  They didn’t want him back so I paid them to take him back.  Went back home and used my digital imaging software to juxtapose the photo of the bird with the abstract art seed bell.  Perfect!!

I just know I’m going to win that darn contest!


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